Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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