just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
