I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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