Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You're my little dorito
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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