i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize