i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
