If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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