i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
