my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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