i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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