I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
