I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
