While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
