meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
