You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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