can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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