Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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