I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
