We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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