Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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