sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The power of my boobs compel you
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
