so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
