I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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