these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
