i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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