Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
