I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
