DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
