Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
