I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
