he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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