my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
