He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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