Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
