someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
