dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
