Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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