YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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