New game: find the sober person in Tbell
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
