There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
