the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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