When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
