Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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