I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
