Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
