Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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