R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
