Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
