Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
