My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
