A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
