At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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