I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
