dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
