I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
