i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
