It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
