I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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