the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize