Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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