Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
