hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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