can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
