There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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