Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
