looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
