i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
BRING THE BAGELS
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
