I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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