You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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