fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize