oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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