dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize