Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
